Opening Words from Sun. May. 20 by Dr. Darrel Ray, Lance Finney, and Friends: The Pastafarian Sex Prayer

Sex & God, by Dr. Derrel Ray, photo used with Permission

SCRIPT for Opening Words:  May 20

Instead of our usual opening words, a group of Ethical Society members and friends recited the Pastafarian Sex Prayer. This is a prayer written by this morning’s speaker, Dr. Darrell Ray. Pastafarianism is a parody religion created to critique legal efforts in support of Creationism, and the Flying Spaghetti Monster is the deity of this religion. Ramen.

Dear Flying Spaghetti Monster, we thank you for giving us sex and sexuality, whether homo or heterosexual, bi or trans, and for not making us like some uptight people.

We thank you for wonderful masturbatory fantasies and for the pornography on which they are often based.

FSM we ask that you grant us sex partners, lovers, wives and husbands that know where our G-spots, clitoris and the sweet spot on our penis are. Grant us long loving foreplay with deep wet kisses followed by huge orgasms and loving cuddles after.

Grant us the courage and wisdom to communicate openly and honestly with our partners and give them more pleasure than we receive, for we know it is far better to give than to receive.

Your Noodliness, we do not need 72 virgins, in fact we ask that you send no virgins, for we don’t want to have to train them, unless, of course they are very willing to be trained. We especially plead today that you not send any repressed Christian virgins – male or female – for they will only feel guilty afterwards and cause great problems with their abstinence only training.

Your Pastaness, we ask that you give us the wisdom to understand and appreciate our partner’s kinks or lack thereof. Whether foot worship or spanking, ropes or talking dirty, help us to appreciate their full sexuality and lead us not into temptation of judgment and scorn for others when their sexual preferences are not ours.

We do ask in the name of Ramen, for retribution, shame and scorn on pedophile priests, hypocritical ministers sleeping with their choir directors, and gay bashing closeted ministers, etc, etc.

O’Spaghetti O, we ask that you send condoms and birth control in abundance and your blessings to the many dedicated workers at the Trojan condom factory and Planned Parenthood.

In name of Dan Savage and Greta Christina we pray, for they are the true gods and goddesses of this world.

Statements in Opening Words do not necessarily express the thoughts or opinions of the Ethical Society of St. Louis or its leadership.

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